i’ll name this blog later…
i’ve been kicking around the idea of getting back to writing again. my blog days were pretty good, you kind of just had to be there. so bear with me as i try to navigate what it looks like to blog again 5ish years, new and old apartment journeys, one business and a couple relationships later.
i keep thinking about what this year means for me. it represents a lot. allow me to explain — 1) the obvious… (or maybe not) it will be the end of my 20s officially and i’ll finally be in the 30 club; (2) i’ve officially hit the age where i am actually grown and hopefully the servers will no longer pretend to care to ask me for my i.d. and; 3) i will have officially outlived my older brother, cody.
if I said my 29th year was rocky af, that would still be a drastic understatement. but, 29, has afforded me so many lessons, new skills, and an entirely new model on what adulting looks like for me. i’ll forever be grateful of that though but also i’ll probably equally always feel guilty cody was not afforded the growth set aside for 29. that’s what my grief looks like. it’s hot and cold. it’s quiet and loud. it’s definitely more of a spiral. i spend a lot of time frustrated he couldn’t have imparted his big brother wisdom about it. showed me how to survive, celebrate, and demonstrate the evolution in realtime. quietly, i was incredibly nervous about 29. my anxiety was through the roof. (what i did not know then but now do—my mother was also extremely anxious for me). every birthday i look forward to being older. living a bit more. learning a bit more. this birthday was different. completely. i was in a space that concluded with an incredibly difficult shift out of a serious relationship, a season of wading through discomfort of childhood trauma, attachments, and triggers, and not-to-mention i was at the halfway mark of year two, and i was definitely feeling the exhaustion of entrepreneurship.
but, i didn’t decide to type all this just to complain… 29 has demonstrated the highs and the lows — and although we are not supporting that problematic narrative of black women always being so strong (and that should for some reason be flattering) — it’s indeed showed me that i can be resilient af when it counts. so cheers to making memories and building better boundaries, habits and moving to the ends of our own rainbows.
cheers to 29. past and present.
x.
so here are a few things i’ve learned thus far:
a vast majority of my close community are not choosing to be parents in this lifetime. it is so reassuring. i love all the babies + little ones in my life but, i also feel a relief in pressure seeing all the options available in a lifetime. i don’t know if i’ll ever have my own children —but if i did i know it is extremely important that i felt the children were the byproduct to the love shared and not solely a lifeline looking to save us. the practice of being loving comes with constant practice.
we often have played a whole game of chess on any given scenario — and haven’t even asked our opponent to a game yet. always return to the present and live.
my favorite phrase has become: “i don’t have it.” rest is resistance. constantly feeling the need to be productive is exhausting and honoring my social meter matters.
i do not always look as pleasant as i think i do. if i’ve every looked like i was just disturbed in your direction for no reason i’m sorry. i’m smiling in my head. i’m working on the rbf. :)
work-life balance is not always 50/50 — actually it rarely feels like it’s 50/50. so do what is sustainable to and for you, your work and your ecosystem.
where you allow empathy to lead, you may find growth.
reading challenges are a blessing and a curse. reading for fun matters, too friends. making reading a chore does not make the best foundation for a positively formed bond to literature in the way that is sustainable… enjoyable. reading fatigue is real and #bookstagram / #booktiktok can be great but also overwhelming to keep up with different trend reading at times. so please take breaks as needed and then get back. nobody wins when burnout pulls up on your block.
habits are so freaking hard to re-establish. but, give yourself grace if it’s important you’ll return back to it how you need to . no need to compare your 25 y.o. self or pre-pandemic self to your current self. it’s a process not a race.
i have updated my personal working definition of what love is to me.
thank you for reading.
watering grass with me.
c